A Dislocated Shoulder, a Duck-Filled Scorecard & Another Heavy Defeat

It is often said that cricket is a game of glorious uncertainty. Unfortunately for Salix CC, the uncertainty appears to have been replaced by a rather more predictable pattern: losing heavily.

Having been comprehensively dismantled by Quokkas CC the previous week, Salix arrived for the visit of Chelsea Arts Cricket Club with a simple objective — restore some pride, remember which end of the bat to hold, and prove that the previous week's performance had merely been an unfortunate aberration.

What followed was unfortunate in a rather different way.

There was, however, an additional subplot to this particular fixture. Leading the Chelsea Arts side was none other than Rory Dodd, a former Salix player who has apparently decided that captaining the opposition is more appealing than turning out for his old club. Rory now very rarely graces Salix with his presence, but, having been lured back to our ground in Chelsea Arts colours, he was clearly determined to make the most of the occasion. It was therefore with mixed emotions that we welcomed our prodigal son back to the fold.

Fortunately, Salix did at least get one small moment of satisfaction.

Rory Dodd was bowled for just 4 by Deepak Winston.

There are, of course, larger battles in cricket. There are bigger victories. There are more important statistics. But sometimes, when you've been beaten by 147 runs, you have to take your victories where you can find them. Rory's dismissal will therefore be entered into the Salix archives under “Things We Enjoyed About This Match”.

Chelsea Arts won the toss and, presumably having seen the Quokkas scorecard, decided that batting first was the sensible option. They proceeded to demonstrate why, accumulating 232 for 8 from their 35 overs. To Salix's credit, the bowling attack did manage to create some moments of resistance. Rog was the pick of the bowlers, returning an excellent 2 for 36 from his seven overs. Richie was even more parsimonious, conceding just nine runs from four overs while picking up a wicket. Richie’s spell did, however, come to a rather dramatic end.

Having decided that the moment called for an “effort ball”, Richie summoned every ounce of available pace, aggression and questionable decision-making. Unfortunately, having slipped at the crease whilst delivering the ball, his shoulder decided it had seen enough and promptly dislocated.

After some concern, the offer of medical attention and a trip to hospital, Richie was presumably advised to take it easy. Naturally, he ignored this advice.

Despite his injury, Richie returned to the ground for Salix's batting innings. Quite what possessed him to believe that a dislocated shoulder and a cricket bat were a sensible combination remains unclear, but he was duly sent in to bat.

With the damaged shoulder rendering conventional cricket somewhat challenging, Richie adopted a revolutionary new technique somewhere between village cricket and recreational tennis. Armed with what appeared to be a child's cricket bat, he proceeded to swipe at the ball with one arm, attempting to emulate a tennis player who had wandered onto the wrong sporting field.

It was heroic.

It was ridiculous.

And, mercifully, it was eventually stopped.

Richie was finally put out of his misery, although quite how he was allowed anywhere near the batting crease in the first place remains a question for the club's medical and selection committees.

Back with the bowling, Shelvin also bowled a useful six-over spell, taking 1 for 20. Deepak Winston and Seyon Surendran added further wickets, while the fielding department at least remembered that catches occasionally need to be held, with Arsey, Richie, Seyon and Saiborg all holding onto catches. At 232, the target was certainly challenging, but by no means impossible.

And then Salix batted.

The reply began in spectacularly unhelpful fashion. Alpesh and Seyon both departed for ducks, leaving Salix with the sort of scorecard that makes the opposition captain start wondering whether to declare.

Achie then provided some much-needed resistance, top-scoring with 24 and demonstrating that runs were, in fact, still available in the middle. Saiborg added 14, while Rog chipped in with 10 and Arsey making 9.

Sadly, the rest of the batting line-up seemed to regard the crease as somewhere to visit rather than somewhere to stay. Wickets tumbled, the required run rate became increasingly theoretical, and the innings eventually limped to 85 all out from 21 overs. The 22 extras made a particularly spirited attempt to rescue the innings, finishing as the third-highest contributor to the innings. Quite a remarkable achievement for players who didn't actually pick up a bat.

Chelsea Arts had won by 147 runs.

And so, one week after being annihilated by Quokkas CC, Salix had managed to follow up with another heavy defeat.

There were, however, reasons for optimism. The bowling contained several excellent spells, with Richie’s economy particularly impressive and Rog providing both control and wickets. Four catches were held, which represented a welcome return to basic cricketing principles.

The batting, on the other hand, remains a matter for the appropriate authorities.

As for Rory Dodd, we can only assume that he enjoyed his afternoon. He got to return to his former club, captain the opposition, and beat Salix by 147 runs — which is probably the cricketing equivalent of turning up at your ex's wedding in a Ferrari.

He can, however, take home the memory of being clean bowled for 4 by Deepak Winston.

In the circumstances, that may be the closest thing Salix had to a Player of the Match award. We would like to remind Rory that Salix membership remains available should he ever fancy playing for us again. Although, given that we now know Deepak has his number, perhaps he should stick with Chelsea Arts.

There is also the small matter of perspective. Salix had not lost two games; they had merely conducted an unusually thorough investigation into the various ways in which a cricket match can go wrong.

The good news is that the season continues.

The bad news is that the opposition presumably know this too.

With two heavy defeats in successive weeks, Salix CC now face the only logical course of action: turn up next week, pretend none of this happened, and start again.

Because if there is one thing we know about Salix, it is that eventually the law of averages has to kick in. Surely.